Dysphoria
by SilverPedals1402
Summary: Somethings up with Tony.  No one knows what and nobody knows why.  His friends tried to help to help but always in the end, it would start up again.  Sometimes they just have to accept that they were too late or not good enough. WARNINGS INSIDE. Please read, its better than the summary. Pepperony.


**Sorry for not posting anything sooner. I am seriously limited with time on the computer now and it didnt help that i got sick, but thats the only excuse i'm giving you. Though i do have a plan to wait it out until i can update almost all of my stories for you guys so i wouldn't be behind on everything, so don't be expecting much from me. This does have another chapter, but only one, and believe it or not, i wrote all of this in one evening, so it won't take up too much time.  
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**So this is set after Howard returned, but there was no extremis, meaning Tony still has the heart monitor. Charactors will be SERIOUSLY out of character, but it fit the story so i was happy enough with the OoCness.  
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**WARNING: Characters are SERIOUSLY OoC. Dark themes (I guess...) character death...(sorry)**

**I have other things to say about this, but i'll say them afterwards due to slight spoilers.  
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**I DON'T own a thing!  
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…

The first time it happened they just let it slide. It wasn't a big deal, it wasn't like he would do it again. The second time it happened, they got suspicious. Was there something wrong? The third time it happened, well they knew something was up. Something was wrong. Something was definitely wrong.

…

(First time)

Tony 'skipped' school again. He missed three days that week. He never even explained why he would suddenly walk out of class. He would just pack up his stuff and walk out of class with a frown. His grades were slipping as well. He went from mostly A's to mostly D's and C's. He never explained that either.

It had been a Thursday and Pepper and Rhodey walked alone without Tony to the armory. Pepper was more quiet than usual and Rhodey didn't even seem bothered. Pepper assumed that meant Tony had done this before, but wouldn't she have known? She did know him since he first started school. So he couldn't have done this before. So why was Rhodey so calm?

They walked into the armory that had been darkened. The lights were turned off and the only thing that gave off light was some sort of blue glow. They walked towards it to realize what it was. The arc reactor. Next to it sat Tony with a blank stare, just watching it.

Pepper panicked and started to scream. Rhodey panicked in his own sort of way. He picked up the removed heart monitor with his hands and gently put it back to where it belonged. Then he pulled Tony to his feet and started to unmercifully rant and scolds Tony before he even thought to ask if anything was wrong.

Pepper calmed down enough to silently sob as she watched Tony blink in shock from Rhodey's rant. She almost had a heart attack cause she thought he died. She thought she had lost him. She listened as Rhodey had begun talking with Tony.

"Is something wrong?" Rhodey began

Tony shook his head. "No."

"Then why are just sitting there as your life faded away!?" Rhodey asked louder.

Tony shrugged.

"You took your heart implant out."

"I was experimenting." Tony said with ease.

"Experimenting what!?"

Again Tony shrugged.

"Are you insane!?" Pepper had screamed at him. "You could have died!"

She felt a hand on her shoulder and she noticed it was Tony. "I would never take it that far, Pep."

She let herself calm down before she silently walked out of the room to get some fresh air. She really worried about Tony sometimes. She cared about him. A little too much sometimes. She really wished he didn't do these kind of things. He was going to be the death of her. One of these days, he was going to drive her insane.

…

(Second time)

Tony was still skipping school. His grades had improved a bit so they were up in the B's, but he still skipped school. He was starting to go solo with iron man and had stayed at home for the weekend. He was rarely seen by his friends and and even his father.

Though his father was leaving on a trip out of the state. He was going on a huge business trip all the way to Washington. Not D.C. though. So Tony wouldn't he seeing his father in awhile. So he was alone. By choice of course. He would lay down in his bed with only his thoughts to accompany him.

It had gotten to the point where he was out of school for more than a week and his grades were slipping out of his fingers like sand from a beach. He didn't care. His friends did though. So again, they headed out to check on him. Using the key Tony had given them as soon as he moved in, they opened the door to his house.

They didn't even bother to knock. It wasn't like Tony would answer and they were well aware where Howard had left off to. The house was half lit. It was very clean thanks to a few helpers Howard hired. They explored the house until they reached their friends room. Which again was dark except the blue glow.

Pepper kept her cool better this time for she didn't want to embarrass herself again. Though she flipped on the lights. The arc reactor lay on its side on the table next to Tony's bed. Tony lay, pale and still but breathing, staring at the arc reactor. He didn't even seem to notice that they were there.

"You wouldn't take it this far huh?" Rhodey said putting the heart implant back in. "You shouldn't lie like that Tony. Especially when its to Pepper."

"I'm fine." Tony protested.

"Yeah, you sure looked fine." Rhodey replied.

"Rhodey-"

"No, I'm fine. I don't need an explanation. I just need to get space." Rhodey said walking out.

Tony had stared at the door and the looked to Pepper who had red eyes and wet cheeks. "What's wrong?"

She just shook her head. Though she did crawl into his bed and move under the covers, but facing the other way. She needed rest but she needed to have the comfort he wouldn't do this again. So she was going to stay with him from now on. She wasn't leaving his side for the night. Tony had ended up falling asleep as did Pepper.

They slept for the whole evening and at some point Pepper rested her head on Tony's chest. He just happened to be awake. When they woke up Pepper had awkwardly left the room at midnight and gathered up blankets from a closet and made a bed on the floor while Tony went and got snacks. She offered they watched a movie, so they did. They ended up falling asleep to it.

…

(Third time)

Tony was back in school. His grades stopped falling and he got them up just in time for the report cards, he hung out with his friends more often than not, and he hadn't removed his heart monitor at all for a good long while. Howard had returned, but still wasn't informed on what was going on with Tony. He didn't need too. They could see Tony was doing just fine as he was.

Tony and Pepper grew exceptionally closer. They went to shop together, they studied together, and partnered up for any partner projects. Rhodey was forced to always join up with Happy. When normally it was Tony with Happy due to Happy threatening Tony. Though Tony wasn't exactly scared of Happy.

Tony only missed a few days and they suspected, but trusted Tony not to be trying to do anything stupid liked remove his heart monitor for long periods of time. Though there was a fight and Tony left the instant the fight was over.

He made sure to lock out his friends out this time. He locked his bedroom door and sat on the floor.

His friends got Howard to use a special device to open the door after they explained what they were all worried about. They also worried Howard. So Howard made sure he was quick with opening the door. They walked in to see Tony sitting and again staring at his heart monitor. Which was removed. Rhodey silently put it back where it should be.

"Tony I know something is wrong now tell me!" Rhodey demanded.

Tony stayed silent and looked to his chest to where the heart monitor was.

"Son, please." His father whispered.

Tony shook his head.

Pepper again was in tears. Only this time it was worse. She wasn't very quiet and she caught Tony's attention. He looked over to her and she could see something in his eyes. It was regret, pain. He didn't want to do what he was doing, she realized. He was telling the truth when he said that he wouldn't take it that far.

"Tony..." she whispered in a sob.

Howard knowing what was happening grabbed the fuming Rhodey and dragged him out of the room. He whit the door and brought Rhodey to the living to room and told him to watch some TV. Rhodey with a questioning look, complied with the direction.

Pepper bent down and crawled over to where Tony sat. "Tony, what's wrong?"

He only looked at her before he pulled her roughly into his arms for a hug. Surprised, she hugged him back. She heard him whisper something, but she couldn't understand what it was. He pulled back and her tear streaked face met with a tear streaked face. She was completely taken by surprise.

"Tony?"

"I'm scared." He whispered.

Her eyes widened. "Of what?"

"Of not being with you." Tony mumbled with a sad sigh. He looked away.

"I'm not going anywhere!" Pepper said appalled. "I'll always be here for you."

She watched as he bit his lip and almost as if in a flash he leaned in and kissed her. He quickly pulled back, his face red. "Sorry..."

She was speechless. Her breath left her lungs and she blinked. 'Was that real?' She thought. Her heart did a mini flip in her chest and she falter butterflies in her stomach.

Tony shifted next to her awkwardly and he started to move away from her, but she pulled him back and roughly kissed him. Now she shocked him, but he soon recovered and kissed her back. She shifted her position and almost as of they were moving together in sync, they stood up. Her hands were around his neck and his hands were both around her waist and in her hair.

They finally pulled back still in each others arms and stared into each others eyes. Blue met brown. Brown met blue. Both were left out of breath and speechless. Both completely shocked.

A knock at the door separated the two and the door opened. Rhodey stepped in. "My mom called and she said I had to get home. And Tony... don't do that again. Your going to kill yourself. Do you want that?"

"N-no..." Tony replied.

"Okay, bye."

Pepper giggled lightly and spoke in a whisper. "You are going to kill yourself one of these days and I don't want to come to visit you to find you dead, alright?"

Tony nodded hiding a guilty flash in his eyes, by looking away. "Alright..."

With a smile Pepper left.

…

Pepper was still upset despite her giggles and smiles that night. Tony was going to school and hanging out with them. His grades were still good and he had even asked her out on a date. They were going to head out to a zoo Pepper had mentioned that day. She said she always visited it when she was young, so Tony offered they go there.

So he was set to pick her up and she was getting ready. Though she was still worried about him. She knew there was something he was hiding. Why would he be scared of lowing her when she was going no where? Did he really think she was going somewhere? Or was it him that was going somewhere...?

Once she had finished getting ready, she walked down stairs. "Bye dad!"

She waited for a reply and once he yelled back at her to have fun she laughed. She walked outside in the heat and waited. She waited and waited and she started to grow impatient. So she dialed up Tony's number and listened as it rang about five times before going to voice mail. She tried again and again after that, but received the same thing. Nothing.

She was about to call Rhodey to see if Tony had forgotten their date, but then what if Tony wasn't with Rhodey? She needed to find Tony first. She needed to find him and the first place she was going to look was his house.

…

The door to Tony's house was open so she didn't bother to knock. She never did anyways. So why start now? She ran inside to see Howard calmly reading something. "Howard? Oh hi..."

"Hi Pepper. What brings you here?" Howard asked surprised that she burst in.

"Uh...Tony and I had a date...can you tell me where-"

Oh he's in his room. As always." Howard said before she could finish

"Thanks!" She said running to where Tony's room was.

She knocked on the door once and waited only to have no response. She knocked again and again she received no response. She was growing impatient so she turned the knob to find it locked. She sighed and used the device Howard kept nearby for a situation like this. She used it to unlock the door then she opened the door slowly as if warning him she was coming in. Just in case. She looked around after setting foot in the room to find Tony asleep in his bed.

She shook her head. "Of course he goes to bed on our first date."

She made her way to the bed and shook Tony's shoulders. "Tony." She whispered lightly. "Time to wake up!" She shook hos shoulders again. He didn't even try to push her away like he normally does when someone is trying to wake him up. She shook him harder this time. "Wake up!" She said louder.

This time instead of shaking his shoulders she pulled off his covers and rolled him over so he wasn't on his stomach. Then she fell back hitting the computer desk behind her, knocking a few small objects down. She wanted to scream, but she couldn't find her voice. Even if she could she knew she couldn't scream. It would attract Howard's attention.

Her hand fell on the desk and she felt paper. It wasn't a keyboard but it was a piece of paper. She picked it up. It was folded and the folded part read: To my Pepper.

She couldn't bare to look at the paper. At least not yet. She looked back to Tony after setting the note down. Right where his heart implant should have been was a hollow hole. The heart implant was gone. He did it again and he didn't let anyone stop him. He made sure of that. If he made a note and actually succeeded in...doing what he did...he would've made sure it worked.

She felt tears burn her eyes and he couldn't breathe. She couldn't see or feel or hear. She was just standing there numb. "Tony, why?" Her voice shook as a sob escaped her lips.

She numbly and shakily made her way to shut the door and lock it again, making sire the device was inside and not out. She needed alone time. She didn't want to seek creepy for wanting to stay in a room with a dead person, but she couldn't help herself. Then something caught her eye. It was the arc reactor. It was no longer glowing as brightly as usual, but she saw it.

She rushed to grab it careful not to drop it from shaky fingers and she ran to Tony's bedside. She numbly put the heart monitor back in and watched for the light light up. But it didn't. It stayed at its dully lit light. "Come on..." she whispered to herself.

She hugged Tony to herself and sobbed into his chest. His lifeless chest. He was still warm. She held on tighter refusing to accept it. She should have known he wasn't to be trusted. She should have been there. She should have talked to him and she should have tried harder she could've stopped this.

She screamed as she started to realized that he was gone. She started cry loudly and she got that ugly sobbing she got when she was sad. There was a knocking at the door but she ignored it. She ignored everything. The shouting, the banging. Everything. She only paid attention to finding the pulse she'd never find again.

She got up and fell to her knees as a new voice joined the shouting. Rhodey. She continued to ignore them as she found the note and reluctantly opened it. Through her tears she started to read it.

_I'm truly sorry for what I have done, and I know you must be upset, but please forgive me. I did have my reasons. I was to scared to tell you face to face why I've done what I've done. Its easier now. I'm going to come out straight and tell you I was depressed. Weird, huh? But I guess it was predictable. Then my heart implant acted up and I got sick. I tried to find out what was wrong, I did, but in the end I didn't. So instead of letting it kill me, I let myself die the way I should have. By shrapnel. I'm so so sorry, Pep, I never meant for any of this to happen._

With heavy sobs she lowered her hands. There was a side note reading: _P.S. I love you, _below and she just about died where she sat. Her fingers were shaking and she couldn't read the words on the paper written in Tony's handwriting, even if she tried. She dropped the paper and cried loudly into her palms and ignored the new voice that joined the shouts. Her father.

Howard was sure to call them all. He couldn't get in the room without breaking the door, and she knew it. She knew they would try to lure her out. It was their way of dealing with stuff without violence.

So taking a deep breath in attempt to calm her sobs, she stood up on wobbly knees. Then in the corner of her eyes she could see a small box. She picked it up and cautiously opened it. Inside was a piece of paper and a ring. She rubbed away her tears and read the new note.

_This is a promise ring, but not for any kind of pre-engagment...but just me promising that I'll always protect you. Dead or not, I'll always be there for you. As dumb or weird as that sounds. Love you, Tony._

The ring was two hearts around a round diamond. The engraving on the inside was: _I love you. _She smiled lightly as she slipped it on before breaking down again.

The she suddenly stopped as she heard a new voice join in on the others. Though it wasn't really shouting. It was comforting. It was Roberta. Suddenly felt bad for staying in there alone for so long. She was being selfish if that counted staying in the same room as a dead body...

She numbly as if from a distanced tunnel, opened the door and was barraged with questions. At least until they saw Tony...

**Sorry if it wasn't any good or not my type... i was in a bad mood yesterday and mainly because i finished watching something really sad...so this was born from my 'depressed after a sad movie' self. heh...i'm weird that way. So again, sorry if you don't like it i'm really worried on how this will go and i want to know if you guys would like to see the funeral chapter. **

**The note made no sense at all did it? Well basically it says "i'm sorry, i was sick, oh and i love you." if you didn't get that...i had troubles writing the note cause well, i couldn't figure out what tony would say in a note like that. so understand i couldn't write at my best with so much Oocness.  
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**Maybe some of you noticed, but it has a lot of the movie form of iron man in it...and i'm unsure if the heart implant could even be removed in the IMAA version...but i just like to imagine it does so just play along for my sake? Last thing (hopefully) is the title...i wanted to find a good title for it and i didn't want to plain out say DEPRESSED, or have SUICIDE in the title...or poison...so i looked up a few things and Dysphoria is actually a word...more like a condition actually. Dysphoria is: An emotional state characterized by anxiety, depression, or unease. DEPRESSION being the word i focused on. So yeah... hope you liked and hope to get some good reviews, but criticism is accepted.  
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